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Devout Catholic Stephen Colbert Discusses the Merits of Homophobic Monologues to Bring the Lost to Christ

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Comedian Stephen Colbert, hot off his homophobic rant against the POTUS, and Catholic Church Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, reunited again this Thursday on the stage at Fordham University, the same stage the two appeared on in the fall of 2012 at a hugely successful Roman Catholic Youth Evangelization event. The two guests of honor traded jokes and discussed faith, just as they did at the previous event, but used the platform on this particular evening to discuss their differing views on the use of vulgarity and malicious intent to spread the Good News.

“Stephen has his own unique angle to the whole Catholic thing,” said Cardinal Dolan at a press conference before the show, “and, although I don’t get it, it appears to be striking a chord with the younger generation. If any generation is in need of help forming their worldview it is this one, and I think Stephen’s totally new perspective on what it means to be a member of the Church is resonating with these young folks. But again, I just don’t get it.”

After a few minutes of back and forth joking the night’s discussion got underway with Cardinal Dolan stating that he thought the wise course of action, in regards to those in leadership positions, whether they be saved or not, would be to pray for them, as expressed in such bible verses as Jeremiah 29:7 and 1 Timothy 2:1. Mr. Colbert, whose monologue last week included a reference to the President ‘going down’ on Vladimir Putin, quickly broke in and claimed that he believes Jesus was ready, willing and able to use these types of jokes to explain a teaching but the multitudes who followed Christ around “were just not ready for that sort of off-color evangelism, the kind that I am now bringing to the table” “Listen,” said Mr. Colbert to the audience of over 3000 young Catholics, “when you read in the book of Mark where Jesus puts the Pharisees in their place by telling them to ‘render to Caesar what is Caesar’s’, you just know that some sort of tasteless put down would have really driven that point home. But there it remained on the tip of Jesus’ tongue, unused but cocked and ready to fire.”

“Pardon the pun,” Cardinal Dolan and Mr. Colbert chimed in unison to the amusement of the near-capacity crowd.

 

 

 

 

 

New Book ‘Chicken Soup for the Whiny Ass Soul’ an Inspiration to Liberals

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The hugely popular ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ book series is out with a new edition, this one for liberal minded Americans who feel disenfranchised by the results of the 2016 presidential election.

Chicken Soup for the Whiny Ass Soul shines a ray of hope and inspiration on those who have a disconnect from reality-who struggle in a world where people have different opinions than their own. Stories such as ‘God Loves All His Little Snowflakes’, ‘Let Go and Let Obama’ and ‘Unicorns Are Real, Just You Wait and See’ seek to embolden liberals to be resolute in their ideals and motivate them to persevere to the 2020 election.

All major book retail outlets are offering the hard cover at a $17.99 list price with a 15% discount to registered Democrats.

 

 

Facebook User Overdoses On Her Own Moral Superiority After a Night of Binge Posting

in Entertainment

    Chrissy Allgood, an avid Facebook user, was rushed to an area hospital this morning after succumbing to toxic levels of her own moral superiority during a Facebook posting bender that lasted nearly 12 hours.

    Miss Allgood began posting on her Facebook account on Thursday afternoon and by the early evening had received so many ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ that she couldn’t stop herself. She tirelessly worked into the evening and by the midnight hour had accrued more than 3,000 posts and re-posts in support of illegal immigrants, gays, lesbians, transgenders, cancer survivors, Muslims and many other disenfranchised groups that didn’t include white male Christians. Around 1 A.M an unidentified friend who was staying at the house noticed something wasn’t right with Chrissy. “She started to sweat then shake and then this light hovered above her and she just collapsed.”
      A spokesperson for the hospital says that “Chrissy is doing fine and should be released soon. We look forward to releasing this wonderful human being so that she can get back to her Facebook account and continue her fight for justice.”

Prayer To the Holy Mother

in Entertainment

Hail Beyonce, full of grace.

The Gods are with you.

Blessed are you among all women,

and blessed are those that gaze upon your booty,

Damn!

Holy Beyonce, Mother of us all,

pray for us, your fans,

now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

 

Say 3 times daily            

Transgendered Man, Who Also Identifies as The Greatest Running Back In the Nation, to Sue the NFL For Not Being Taken In This Year’s Draft

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“That Billy Bob Sue can run like the dickens,” says Ida Mae Allison of Eddyville, Iowa. “I was so disappointed when he was denied his dream of being an NFL superstar this year, It just isn’t right.”

 

Ida Mae, along with her son Bobby Bertha William and her grandson Billy Bob Sue, live on a 1200 acre farm in Southeast Iowa, right in the heart of corn country. Mr. Bob Sue, who is transgendered, also identifies as the best running back in the nation. He had hoped to leave behind his small town life as a farmer and bring his self proclaimed dominate football skills to a major NFL city, like Chicago or Kansas City, but that dream has been shot down.

 

“I can run like it’s nobody’s business,” claims Mr. Sue. “I could run from here to that cow, in high heels no less, in under 35 seconds. But you know what? Them highfalutin coaches in the Pros are just scared of someone like me. Well, I’m about to sue some asses!”

 

Whacked.news has contacted the NFL Commissioner’s office and was told by a spokesperson that “We take this accusation seriously and will respond to these charges as soon as we figure out who the hell Billy Bob Sue is.”

Deceased Gibb Brothers Reveal to Brother Barry ‘How to Mend a Broken Heart’ During Seance

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Barry Gibb, the International singing-songwriter superstar, attended a seance this past weekend in an effort to contact his deceased brothers but got a whole lot more than he ever expected.

“Immediately after the seance started, Robin, Maurice and Andy showed up,” said a co-attendee of the event. “It was great seeing them together, they laughed, cried and even did some 4-part harmonies, just like the old days.”

“After singing some of the old hits together,” the co-attendee went on to say, “the three brothers hunched over and whispered in Barry’s ear. After a couple of minutes a look of complete joy swept over his face. When the seance had finished he told us that his brothers had revealed to him all the unanswered questions in the song ‘How Can You Mend a Broken Heart.’ He said that life was worth living now, I’m so happy for him!”

Law enforcement agencies all around the world are quite concerned, though. “I’m in fear for our planet,” says an unidentified spokesman for INTERPOL, a french organization that facilitates international police cooperation. “This man now possesses knowledge of how to make a loser win, how to stop the rain from falling down, how to stop the sun from shining and what makes the world go round. Let’s just all hope and pray to God that Mr. Gibb stays in the happy zone.”

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