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Cryin’ Chuckie Schumer Releases His First Greatest Hits Blues Album

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Senator/Bluesman Chuck Schumer a.k.a ‘Cryin’ Chuckie’ released a greatest hits album this last Tuesday and liberal whiners are buying up copies like it’s going out of style. Cryin’ Chuckie, or CC as he is known to his fans, has been bawling out the blues ever since he became a senator in 1998 and has blubbering in overdrive ever since Donald Trump became president.

Fans of CC will be treated to his signature hits including, ‘Got My Fake Tears Workin’, ‘Born Under a Loser Sign’ and ‘Damn Right Trump Gave Me the Blues’, among many others.

 

Target Says “The Hell With It, We’re Not Building Anymore Bathrooms!”

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Retail giant Target has officially thrown up it’s hands and stated it will stop constructing any new gender-specific bathrooms. A company spokesperson has stated that “the logistical nightmare we faced when we recently added a third bathroom is something we don’t want to go through again.” A new trough style relief area will debut in the fall and will be open to all current genders and those genders yet to be created.

 

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MSNBC Hires Hudeki ‘The Assquake’ Sakamoto to Shit Out a Connection Between Trump and Russia

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Desperate for concrete evidence that president trump colluded with the Russians to win the 2016 election, executives at Comcast, the company that owns MSNBC, met together last Wednesday to brainstorm in an effort to solve their present dilemma. The result was the hiring of Hudeki Sakamoto, know as ‘the assquake’ in his tiny village of Higashi-Naruse in Japan. Myth has it that the Sakamoto males from Higashi-Naruse have been able to ‘bring forth from their bowels evidence of wrong doing’ for centuries. The liberal news organization, who had never seen any proof of these powers, never the less hired Mr. Assquake believing it was at least worth a shot. 

 

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Ghost of Tim Russert Lulls Chuck Todd Into a Vulnerable Position then Goes Medieval On Him for Ruining ‘Meet The Press’

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The ghost of Tim Russert made a surprise visit to his former colleague last week but the reunion was far from pleasant. 

Chuck Todd, the current host of Meet the Press, was in his apartment working on a pottery project when the deceased Tim Russert suddenly appeared behind him and began guiding Mr. Todd’s hands on the vase he was forming on a pottery wheel. When Mr. Todd became totally lost in the embrace, Mr. Russert jumped up and began a 10 minute beat down of the current Meet the Press host. All during the ruckus Mr. Russert kept screaming, “you’ve ruined my show, you’ve ruined my show, what’s the frequency Chucky!?!”

Co-workers of Mr. Todd have warned him in the past several months that if Tim Russert, the previous host of the Meet the Press, ever saw how the show was run now, he would probably roll over in his grave.

 

Protest Volunteers Growing Weary Over Never Ending Schedule, Demand at Least Weed Money from George Soros

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Volunteers for George Soros’ anti-conservative Protest Alliance group are starting to get a little dismayed at the lack of support they’re getting from the top. Virtually all of those that have been protesting since the day after the 2016 election haven’t received any sort of reimbursement from Mr. Soros and now many are starting to grumble.

“I’ve destroyed over 75 vehicles with two of my own bats,” explains a twenty-something Seth Jones, “I don’t have money to buy another one. All I’m asking is for another bat, a few cartons of eggs and maybe a hook up with some fatty bloom blatty-show me some gratitude, man.”

“It’s kind of getting to be a drag, I’ve got a life you know,” says Ziggy Bradford of Kingston, NY. “I’ve missed countless band practices, haven’t uploaded any videos to my YouTube account in weeks and I’ve got 13 unfinished missions on Grand Theft Auto, all because I spend my whole day making Molotov Cocktails.”

Many volunteers, including Seth and Ziggy, have called the Protest Alliance’s complaint hotline but have only been greeted with a personal message from Mr. Soros: “Thank You for your mindless dedication to my cause, I look forward to possibly rewarding you.”

Wolf Blitzer Uses the Phrase ‘CNN Journalist’ In a Sentence and Gets Sucked Up In an Oxymoronic Contradictory Vortex

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Top mathematicians and programmers are feverishly working to free Wolf Blitzer from an endless loop that he created during the Friday night edition of his show the Situation Room. 

Mr. Blitzer was reporting a story about two CNN employees who were attending a White House press conference that had occurred earlier in the day. During the story, he attempted to attach the words ‘CNN’ and ‘journalists’ together and it was then that a vortex appeared out of nowhere and sucked him out of his chair. The network quickly switched over to reruns of Howdy Doody as they attempted to free Mr. Blitzer from the void. After trying unsuccessfully for about 30 minutes the president of CNN, Jeff Zucker, called off the rescue attempt as it became all too clear that this was a logic problem they were ill-equipped to handle. 

One of the mathematicians called in for the rescue, Percolation Theory expert Stanislav Smirnov, claims that Mr. Blitzer was going ‘rogue’ and was ‘surely aware of the probable outcome of his actions.’ “Wolf knows that the term ‘CNN journalist’ is an amusing oxymoron that real news journalists call each other when they see reporting that isn’t up to snuff,” said Mr. Smirnov. “Wolf was a part of this news organization when they had real journalists and I believe that he was making one last effort, a very risky one at that, to bring back those days of glory.”

In light of the current situation, Mr. Zucker re-released a memo that he had sent out last summer reminding CNN employees that ‘when referring to those who gather news for this company please use the terms CNN Content Creator or CNN News Artisan.’

Obama Takes Vacation But Forgets to Leave GPS Coordinates. Liberals in Disarray as They Don’t Know Which Way to Face During Prayers

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Liberals were in shambles during their early Friday morning prayer session because former President Obama had inadvertently forgotten to post his exact location for a family vacation he had planned for the long weekend. Worshipers took to improvising and during the morning and afternoon sessions multiplied their prayers while kneeling in every possible direction.
It wasn’t until after the afternoon prayer session that religious authorities posted their ‘fallback coordinates’ of President Bill Clinton’s location. But, during the evening session as supplications were being made to President Clinton, Obama’s location was discovered and was immediately  posted. Worshipers quickly turned and knelt in Obama’s direction, with their asses pointed in Clinton’s direction.

Cows From Waco Texas, Along With Senator Elizabeth Warren, To Undergo Testing For Mad Cow Disease

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Cows from the Southern portion of Waco Texas, along with Senator Elizabeth Warren, are being rounded up by officials of the USDA to be tested for Mad Cow Disease. Officials detected symptoms a few weeks ago and are taking steps to protect the public.

Sufferers of Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or Mad Cow disease as it is commonly known, usually exhibit one or more of the following warning signs; frothing at the mouth, not playing well with others, dry humping the water troughs located around the ranch or continuously yelling at high volumes to the point where nobody wants to listen.

The cows, along with the senator, were taken to an undisclosed location and will undergo thorough testing to determine if they are fit for human consumption/interaction.

After her capture Senator Warren released a statement that read, “I LOOK FORWARD TO CASTRATING EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY MALE IN THE USDA WHO HAS SLANDERED MY REPUTATION WITH THIS ACCUSATION!!”

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