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Protest Volunteers Growing Weary Over Never Ending Schedule, Demand at Least Weed Money from George Soros

in Politics

Volunteers for George Soros’ anti-conservative Protest Alliance group are starting to get a little dismayed at the lack of support they’re getting from the top. Virtually all of those that have been protesting since the day after the 2016 election haven’t received any sort of reimbursement from Mr. Soros and now many are starting to grumble.

“I’ve destroyed over 75 vehicles with two of my own bats,” explains a twenty-something Seth Jones, “I don’t have money to buy another one. All I’m asking is for another bat, a few cartons of eggs and maybe a hook up with some fatty bloom blatty-show me some gratitude, man.”

“It’s kind of getting to be a drag, I’ve got a life you know,” says Ziggy Bradford of Kingston, NY. “I’ve missed countless band practices, haven’t uploaded any videos to my YouTube account in weeks and I’ve got 13 unfinished missions on Grand Theft Auto, all because I spend my whole day making Molotov Cocktails.”

Many volunteers, including Seth and Ziggy, have called the Protest Alliance’s complaint hotline but have only been greeted with a personal message from Mr. Soros: “Thank You for your mindless dedication to my cause, I look forward to possibly rewarding you.”

Facebook User Overdoses On Her Own Moral Superiority After a Night of Binge Posting

in Entertainment

    Chrissy Allgood, an avid Facebook user, was rushed to an area hospital this morning after succumbing to toxic levels of her own moral superiority during a Facebook posting bender that lasted nearly 12 hours.

    Miss Allgood began posting on her Facebook account on Thursday afternoon and by the early evening had received so many ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ that she couldn’t stop herself. She tirelessly worked into the evening and by the midnight hour had accrued more than 3,000 posts and re-posts in support of illegal immigrants, gays, lesbians, transgenders, cancer survivors, Muslims and many other disenfranchised groups that didn’t include white male Christians. Around 1 A.M an unidentified friend who was staying at the house noticed something wasn’t right with Chrissy. “She started to sweat then shake and then this light hovered above her and she just collapsed.”
      A spokesperson for the hospital says that “Chrissy is doing fine and should be released soon. We look forward to releasing this wonderful human being so that she can get back to her Facebook account and continue her fight for justice.”

Prayer To the Holy Mother

in Entertainment

Hail Beyonce, full of grace.

The Gods are with you.

Blessed are you among all women,

and blessed are those that gaze upon your booty,

Damn!

Holy Beyonce, Mother of us all,

pray for us, your fans,

now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

 

Say 3 times daily            

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