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Protest Volunteers Growing Weary Over Never Ending Schedule, Demand at Least Weed Money from George Soros

in Politics

Volunteers for George Soros’ anti-conservative Protest Alliance group are starting to get a little dismayed at the lack of support they’re getting from the top. Virtually all of those that have been protesting since the day after the 2016 election haven’t received any sort of reimbursement from Mr. Soros and now many are starting to grumble.

“I’ve destroyed over 75 vehicles with two of my own bats,” explains a twenty-something Seth Jones, “I don’t have money to buy another one. All I’m asking is for another bat, a few cartons of eggs and maybe a hook up with some fatty bloom blatty-show me some gratitude, man.”

“It’s kind of getting to be a drag, I’ve got a life you know,” says Ziggy Bradford of Kingston, NY. “I’ve missed countless band practices, haven’t uploaded any videos to my YouTube account in weeks and I’ve got 13 unfinished missions on Grand Theft Auto, all because I spend my whole day making Molotov Cocktails.”

Many volunteers, including Seth and Ziggy, have called the Protest Alliance’s complaint hotline but have only been greeted with a personal message from Mr. Soros: “Thank You for your mindless dedication to my cause, I look forward to possibly rewarding you.”

Facebook User Overdoses On Her Own Moral Superiority After a Night of Binge Posting

in Entertainment

    Chrissy Allgood, an avid Facebook user, was rushed to an area hospital this morning after succumbing to toxic levels of her own moral superiority during a Facebook posting bender that lasted nearly 12 hours.

    Miss Allgood began posting on her Facebook account on Thursday afternoon and by the early evening had received so many ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ that she couldn’t stop herself. She tirelessly worked into the evening and by the midnight hour had accrued more than 3,000 posts and re-posts in support of illegal immigrants, gays, lesbians, transgenders, cancer survivors, Muslims and many other disenfranchised groups that didn’t include white male Christians. Around 1 A.M an unidentified friend who was staying at the house noticed something wasn’t right with Chrissy. “She started to sweat then shake and then this light hovered above her and she just collapsed.”
      A spokesperson for the hospital says that “Chrissy is doing fine and should be released soon. We look forward to releasing this wonderful human being so that she can get back to her Facebook account and continue her fight for justice.”

Wolf Blitzer Uses the Phrase ‘CNN Journalist’ In a Sentence and Gets Sucked Up In an Oxymoronic Contradictory Vortex

in Politics

Top mathematicians and programmers are feverishly working to free Wolf Blitzer from an endless loop that he created during the Friday night edition of his show the Situation Room. 

Mr. Blitzer was reporting a story about two CNN employees who were attending a White House press conference that had occurred earlier in the day. During the story, he attempted to attach the words ‘CNN’ and ‘journalists’ together and it was then that a vortex appeared out of nowhere and sucked him out of his chair. The network quickly switched over to reruns of Howdy Doody as they attempted to free Mr. Blitzer from the void. After trying unsuccessfully for about 30 minutes the president of CNN, Jeff Zucker, called off the rescue attempt as it became all too clear that this was a logic problem they were ill-equipped to handle. 

One of the mathematicians called in for the rescue, Percolation Theory expert Stanislav Smirnov, claims that Mr. Blitzer was going ‘rogue’ and was ‘surely aware of the probable outcome of his actions.’ “Wolf knows that the term ‘CNN journalist’ is an amusing oxymoron that real news journalists call each other when they see reporting that isn’t up to snuff,” said Mr. Smirnov. “Wolf was a part of this news organization when they had real journalists and I believe that he was making one last effort, a very risky one at that, to bring back those days of glory.”

In light of the current situation, Mr. Zucker re-released a memo that he had sent out last summer reminding CNN employees that ‘when referring to those who gather news for this company please use the terms CNN Content Creator or CNN News Artisan.’

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