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Wolf Blitzer Uses the Phrase ‘CNN Journalist’ In a Sentence and Gets Sucked Up In an Oxymoronic Contradictory Vortex

in Politics

Top mathematicians and programmers are feverishly working to free Wolf Blitzer from an endless loop that he created during the Friday night edition of his show the Situation Room. 

Mr. Blitzer was reporting a story about two CNN employees who were attending a White House press conference that had occurred earlier in the day. During the story, he attempted to attach the words ‘CNN’ and ‘journalists’ together and it was then that a vortex appeared out of nowhere and sucked him out of his chair. The network quickly switched over to reruns of Howdy Doody as they attempted to free Mr. Blitzer from the void. After trying unsuccessfully for about 30 minutes the president of CNN, Jeff Zucker, called off the rescue attempt as it became all too clear that this was a logic problem they were ill-equipped to handle. 

One of the mathematicians called in for the rescue, Percolation Theory expert Stanislav Smirnov, claims that Mr. Blitzer was going ‘rogue’ and was ‘surely aware of the probable outcome of his actions.’ “Wolf knows that the term ‘CNN journalist’ is an amusing oxymoron that real news journalists call each other when they see reporting that isn’t up to snuff,” said Mr. Smirnov. “Wolf was a part of this news organization when they had real journalists and I believe that he was making one last effort, a very risky one at that, to bring back those days of glory.”

In light of the current situation, Mr. Zucker re-released a memo that he had sent out last summer reminding CNN employees that ‘when referring to those who gather news for this company please use the terms CNN Content Creator or CNN News Artisan.’

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